Voyna i WiFi

Parody of Voyna i mir (War and Peace) by Leo Tolstoy

Napoleon invades Russia. The Russian army retreats — not strategically, but because the cellular coverage outside Moscow is terrible. Prince Andrei's dying words are 'can you check if the router is plugged in?' Natasha Rostova's first ball is ruined when the DJ's Spotify buffers. Pierre Bezukhov searches for meaning in life, but settles for searching for a stable connection. All happy families have fiber optic. Each unhappy family has its own ISP.